


dreamers often lie

by genes1s



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Canon Era, Canon Universe, M/M, Pre-Canon, post-ACWNR
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-24
Updated: 2020-05-24
Packaged: 2021-03-02 17:29:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,595
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24360625
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/genes1s/pseuds/genes1s
Summary: Four times they dared to dream and the one time they couldn’t.
Relationships: Levi/Erwin Smith
Comments: 12
Kudos: 41





	dreamers often lie

“Well well, look at you - finally Commander. Took you long enough.”

“Now Levi, watch what you say. I wouldn’t want the new cadets thinking they can follow your blatant disrespect.”

Erwin is straightening his bolo in front of his wardrobe’s mirror. Well, he’s trying to, anyway ; countless plans and strategies that he can now initiate are no doubt flitting around his mind, causing his clumsy fingers to become distracted and useless. Levi tuts in exasperation and impatiently steps up to Erwin, reaching out his slim fingers to quickly tug the tie into place. Erwin blinks a dozen times in their reflection before his eyes return to the present.

“I’m happy to punish any of them if they step out of line, you need only ask,” he can already hear the beginnings of Erwin’s sigh. Levi drops his voice. “I mean it, Erwin. Concern yourself with whatever Commander bullshit you’ve got to do now. I’ll handle the recruits.”

“Just as long as you remember we’ll need most of them _alive_ for the expeditions.”

“Fine, but I’ll keep in mind that ‘most’ was the keyword.” 

Erwin smiles for a brief moment in the smudged mirror. “Whatever keeps you happy. Thank you though, Levi. I find my duties are already piling up.”

“Tch, save it. I’m not doing it for your sorry ass, consider it my gift to humanity.” The gratitude still causes Levi to fidget beside Erwin’s shoulder. “You carry a heavy burden now - helping you do your job better is an investment for the future.”

“Is that so? But Commander has been my aim for so many years, it feels as though the burden has been there for quite some time,” Erwin looks down at Levi. The real Levi, not his smudgy reflection. “Perhaps it is only now that we can see it.”

“I don’t care for your rank, just don’t let that ego of yours get any bigger. I’ll have to find a new hangout buddy, and I’m hard pressed for them as it is. The new cadets are particulary insufferable this year,” Levi stalks to the door of Erwin’s office in preparation to leave. They have a speech to attend in the mess hall and it wouldn’t look good to be late, after all.

“If by insufferable you mean joyous, then I agree. Leave them be for now, you were similarly high spirited yourself at one time.”

Levi’s hand pauses on the doorknob. He turns to address Erwin, though he can’t quite force his head all the way around, so he stares at a smudge of dirt on the floor. “We’ve come a long way since then, it seems.”

“Indeed. I get the feeling we’ll be stuck with each other for a long time. Perhaps until the end.” Erwin is staring back at the mirror again, steady gaze and slack jaw giving a hazy set to his appearence.

“Until the end, hmm?” Levi grips the doorknob harder, turning back to glare at the grain of the door. “And must it end?”

“Everything must end, Levi. Otherwise, this war would be meaningless.”

The way Erwin speaks, so wistful, so dutiful, it’s as if he’s not even in the room at all. He’s caught up in his dreams again. Levi can only guess at whether this one is pleasant or a nightmare. 

“In another life ... perhaps not all things will have to end,” once it’s out of Levi’s mouth, he can’t take being in that stuffy room anymore. He pushes out into the hallway.

•

The white horse ahead of him is almost the same shade as the pale moon. Though it’s nearing midnight, Erwin’s mare could be a lantern in the darkness, and Levi focuses on following this guide whilst trying to keep his unease at bay.

They are still in the early days of testing the formation. Levi rides up front with Erwin to mitigate impact of oncoming offences but his placement seems to have backfired ; after an unexpected wave of titans, the pair are now separated from the group.

“Erwin, take us to high ground. We might be able to spot other soldiers.” His voice is low, and though his Commander rides ahead of him, Erwin must be overly attentive to his senses now that one is compromised, so he’s sure to have heard. But he doesn’t respond.

Levi grows frustrated. It seems like they’re riding aimlessly. They can’t keep this up until dawn. He isn’t even sure of their direction and it’s taking all of Levi’s will to believe Erwin knows where they’re headed. The wind chills every inch of Levi’s exposed skin and howls a caterwaul relentlessly in his ears. 

“Erwin! I won’t leave our men alone - we have to regroup.”

“That’s not your decision to make, Levi. It’s too dark to see anything anyway. Look around, nothing’s visible more than three metres away.” Erwin doesn’t turn to reply and keeps his horse racing forward steadily. The pounding of hooves drums in time to Levi’s heartbeat

“The moon’s full, we should at least try.” Levi draws back on the reins a little, slowing his gallop just slightly to allow himself to turn if he decides to make a move up the slope on his left. Erwin notices the imperceptible change ; he pulls his reins to ride alongside Levi. He’s frowning, clearly not in the mood to be putting up with Levi’s bullshit, but Levi will push until that expression completely cracks if he has to.

“Keep moving forward Captain. That’s an order.”

Levi’s brows pull together. His legs are cramping from constant strain, but his brain is cramping from his uselessness. The situation got away from them so far and so fast. He should have taken out those titans quicker, so that they didn’t break through their ranks, so that they didn’t lose a dozen soldiers.

“If you have a better plan then share it.” Erwin only glares into the never-ending darkness. “No? Then I may as well give mine a go.”

Levi yanks his reins to swerve left. He tucks his knees into the saddle to brace for the sudden change in direction, but his horse comes to an abrupt stop. He clings to the leather to avoid being bucked off backwards.

Erwin has ridden around Levi and pulls up right in his way. He looks furious and for once Levi feels his height, can sense the weight of Erwin’s glare from his viewpoint a foot above. Levi meets his gaze but doesn’t make an attempt to move past him.

“Are you forgetting that I’m Commander now? You’re not a damned idiot Levi, so suck it up and fall into line. Disregard your orders again and I’ll suspend you.”

Levi opens his mouth but closes it almost immediately after. He hears his teeth snap shut. It’s been a while since Levi has heard that tone used on him. He’s gotten used to Erwin’s sharp reprimands being barked at disobedient, lower ranked soldiers. They would rarely ever make the same mistake again.

But Levi is incredibly stressed, and he knows Erwin is too, the tension in the air a taught rope. His vision is tinged scarlet and he can no longer focus on his unconditional trust for his Commander. His mind is a messy haze that he can’t organise. Levi hates it. It’s rubbing his nerves raw.

“I told you before, Erwin. I don’t care for your rank. Using that shit won’t work on me. Give me something to fall behind, and I’ll follow you.”

“My plan’s not ideal but at least it’s something. I didn’t want to tell you because it’s dulling our perceptiveness just talking about it. We’re making a slow arc around the back of our troups. Anyone who’s not dead should be riding ahead of us. If we see them we’ll pull them back into formation.”

“Then let me go the other way. We can keep the soldiers between us.”

“No, without our sight an abnormal could pick us off at any moment. We may not even hear them coming.”

Levi knows he’s right, but he still can’t shake the settling helplessness. “Fine. Let’s get our asses moving then.”

Erwin gives him a short nod before resuming the lead. Before long they come across the first set of stragglers, and within the hour they’ve rounded up over half the original formation. It’s not great, but it’s all they’ve got left.

“Full retreat! Those with torches take up the wing.”

Levi retreats to the rear. He’ll have to trust the veterans at the front to keep Erwin in one piece, as Levi’s the best chance they’ve got at stopping a surprise attack from behind. Levi’s not sure the soldiers could handle another attack tonight.

Something warm drops onto his knuckles. He looks down and sees an indigo liquid seeping between his fingers. Levi brings a hand to his nose. He smells rusty iron, though he can’t figure out where the blood is coming from. The slash to his forehead has already dried, so he fumbles over his face until he feels something sticky on his upper lip.

Blood is trickling from his nose, though he doesn’t remember knocking it. He prods with his fingertips but there’s no break to the bone or pain from bruising. Levi is reluctant to admit it, but the stressful situation is the only thing that could have caused his bleeding. It’s weak and it’s lame ; that something mental could cause an injury should be beyond Humanity’s Strongest. Levi’s never taken to the nickname, but he still feels disappointment from his fraying nerves.

They make it back to the walls without incident. He’s alive, though surviving no longer feels like victory. There’s not a single corpse brought back by the wagons. It’s for all the wrong reasons.

There’s a downturn to Erwin’s lips when they dismount at the stables. Levi’s not sure if he’s downcast due to the lives lost or because of his failed expedition, but he doesn’t ask ; he doesn’t want to know.

Levi tears his eyes away from his Commander. He focuses on desaddling his horse and removes the bit from its mouth. He pulls it to the dark corner of the stable and pats its flank. Levi feels filthy, but he’s too tired to even walk to his courters.

“You’ve had this one for quite a while, haven’t you. She’s nice, I can see why you like her. Fast too - probably the only mare that can keep up with you.”

“She’s more reliable that the other soldiers as well.” Levi turns to Erwin who is leaning in the stable’s oak doorframe. His eyes are heavy, half closed and drooping, and his shoulders seem to be slumping too. 

Levi wanders how many soldiers have gotten to see the Commander in this state - exhausted and weary - but he takes no satisfaction in the sight. Levi doesn’t like it. Erwin’s always been the steady pillar he’s been clinging to ever since he’s joined the Scouts. To see him so beat is unnerving. It’s almost humanising though, and Levi feels he can stand a little straighter under his Commander’s scrutiny.

This isn’t the Erwin who’d threatened him with his position earlier today. This is the man he often found slumped over papers on his office, the man who had long forgone chastising Levi for not knocking and who would drink tea with him at ungraceful hours.

Levi walks to meet Erwin in the doorway. Erwin’s framed by the light of a small, hanging lantern, it’s warmth turning his eyes a cobalt blue. He has to look down on Levi as usual, though he dips his head just slightly, bringing him a little closer to Levi’s height.

He crosses his arms and looks up at Erwin. “So ... that was a disaster.”

“Perhaps. But I believe it will only get better from here.” Erwin is searching for something in his gaze, but Levi doesn’t really want to meet his eyes. He’s still stubborn as ever.

“Look, Erwin ... I - don’t pull that shit on me again. They’re going to keep dying for you, so at least let me try and keep as many alive as I can.”

Erwin’s eyebrows relax. His lips soften, almost turning up at the corners. “I wouldn’t expect any less from you. And you’re right, I should have communicated better with you today. I’m afraid the situation got away from me. I hope it won’t happen again.”

Levi just nods and focuses on a stray hair on Erwin’s shoulder. Neither of them move, either too tired or maybe they have something more to say. Levi keeps his lips pressed together, though his eyes drift half shut.

A hand emerges in his vision and presses something to his face. Crossing his eyes, Levi can see it’s a white cloth. Erwin is holding it to his nose, and when he pulls it away, it’s stained a bright scarlet. Levi cringes at the ruined fabric, but Erwin interprets this as advertence to his actions, so his hand hangs awkwardly between them. Levi rolls his eyes and grabs Erwin’s wrist, pulling it forwards so the cloth mops his dripping nose again.

Levi let’s go, but Erwin keeps still, seeming content in stopping the bleeding. He only watches Erwin’s careful fingertips. The wrist is steady, though the fingers tremble, just a little.

It’s an age before Erwin pulls away. His nose suddenly feels cold and bare against the chilly air. “You should rest Levi. It’s been a trying day.”

Erwin’s eyes are carefully blank, and that’s what catches Levi’s attention. He finally stares into them, trying to pull some emotion out, but he finds nothing to identify. “Rest. If only.”

“It wasn’t your fault today Levi. No one could have prevented their deaths. You could only do so much, and you did enough.” Clearly Levi’s eyes are not as blank as Erwin’s.

“Tell that to their families.”

“I do. In every single letter.”

“Do you think they’ll ever end?” Levi concentrates on the bloody taste of his tongue. “The deaths?” 

It’s not really a question, Levi’s just thinking (hoping) aloud. Erwin’s vacant expression flinches for a moment. “Perhaps one day we’ll be free of them. In another life.”

It’s a blatant, empty thing, Erwin’s reply. But Levi latches onto it. Something has to be worth it, after all.

•

Levi holds his teacup with his fingertips. The edge is chipped, though he doesn’t mind - it’s not the cup he cares for, but the contents within it. Erwin really can afford some of the finest tea. 

He perches on the windowsill and stretches one leg out, the other knee brought up to support his free arm. The people on the streets scuttle about their day like they have all the time in the world, engaging in idle chatter and browsing produce without ever making a purchase. Not for the first time, Levi wanders what he might be doing if he really were free ; free of the Titans, free of his constant wariness. Free of the guilt.

“Say, Erwin. If you weren’t here, what would you be doing?”

The Commander sits behind his desk - that was almost invisible from the cover of papers - but stops writing when he hears the question, laying his pen upon the page. Levi would feel sorry for interrupting him, though if the violet half-moons beneath Erwin’s eyes tell him anything, it’s that the man needs a break.

“I’m sorry, Levi, what do you mean? Here as in where?”

“Here as in Commander. Here as in behind your shoddy desk, as in behind the walls. What would you be doing?”

Erwin sighs and leans his elbows on the desk, as if he suspects this will be a long one. 

“I’ve never given it much of a thought. It wouldn’t be wise to get swept up in such fantasies.”

“Fantasies, huh. For a man with such ideals, that doesn’t sound very hopeful.” Levi doesn’t mean to sound dejected, but he knows his tone is despondent.

“Well, I suppose if I weren’t here, I may have become a teacher. Like my father.” Erwin’s just indulging him, Levi knows it. He runs with the idea though ; it’s easy when it’s so fitting. Perhaps the desk Erwin sits behind is a teacher’s desk, the papers before him a student’s test. Levi’s staring again.

“And what might you be doing, Levi?”

It catches him off guard, the question. Of course he’s considered it, but he never planned on sharing the answer. The corner of Erwin’s mouth tugs up a little - the bastard.

“The only thing I seem to be good at is killing. I’m not sure what I _could_ do.” Levi’s being honest, though the self-deprication is really a way to avoid answering.

Erwin doesn’t push. Instead, he offers. “That’s not necessarily true. You’re an excellent judge of character - that could be incredibly useful. You chose to follow me, after all.” Erwin gives a small smirk. Mike says that Erwin rarely smiles, and that Levi is usually at the receiving end of the small few. Levi wants to tell him that he’s wrong - Erwin is smiling at himself.

“Don’t make me regret it.” Levi returns his gaze to the passerbys, but his mouth isn’t frowning so much as before. He sips his tea to hide his lips. Of course, Erwin doesn’t miss it. He’s still smiling when he picks up his pen.

“I think you could’ve done a lot of good, Levi. I think you still can.”

“If only ...” Levi tightens his grasp on the clay cup. He has to steel himself to get the words out. “If only I could do it with clean hands. Maybe I’ll get the chance, in another life.”

Erwin shares a small, private smile and joins Levi by the window. Side by side, they could watch this street forever.

•

Erwin’s hair shines a brighter gold in the afternoon sun. He’s noticed before on many occasions, when the sunlight bares down on them mid-expedition or as dusk seeps through the window of Erwin’s office.

By his bedside, it is only now that Levi has a moment to watch as each pale strand is set alight in the incandescence. That, or Levi’s just finding anywhere else to focus his gaze. He has long forgone putting up with his own discomfort - Levi has a way of walking away when situations become awkward - but the gaping absence at Erwin’s shoulder is something he forces himself to endure ; Levi won’t leave Erwin’s bedside.

He feels the loss as if it were his own, the palpable emptiness carving a hollow into Levi’s conscious. But if Erwin can take it all with a straight face, Levi will swallow his pride and keep his cool. 

“You don’t have to sit around here moping. It would be good for you to get some air,” Erwin’s voice is lighthearted, though Levi knows he’s trying to free Levi from his unease. He’s not surprised that Erwin knows his new disadvantage makes Levi incredibly uncomfortable, but he doesn’t want to hear it. Erwin’s the one who should be receiving the niceties and sympathy - Levi’s not the one missing a limb.

“Don’t flatter yourself. I know I don’t have to do shit. I’ve got piss all to be doing, that’s it.”

His Commander sighs, and his mental exhaustion finally breaks through the neutral expression. Levi could lay off the shit talk for a day - Erwin deserves a rest - but he knows Erwin wouldn’t want to be treated differently just because of his recent affliction.

“Levi.” His eyes stop skirting around the room when his name draws his gaze to Erwin’s. He looks serious, face all tight and brows furrowed and bottom lip jutting out like it does sometimes. “It’s just an arm. My mind wasn’t impaired, I’m still perfectly capable in my role.”

In just those few words, Levi’s cool shatters. He feels flushed all over, and if he had a mirror he knows he’d see an impressive scowl. “Just an arm? Just a fucking arm? Huh Erwin, you sure you didn’t hit your head? What do you think you’re going to do when a titan’s charging at you?”

Levi leans back and tries to rein in his incredulous expression. He crosses his arms over his chest, as if that will create more distance between them. “Shit all, that’s what.” 

He can’t look at that fucking void at Erwin’s side any more, it’ll burn a hole through his brain. Instead he glares intensely at the potted hyacinths on the table as if they’d offended him.

“I’m sorry Levi. I know it’s hard for you. But I didn’t want it to change things, I ... couldn’t bear it to.”

“What’re you fucking apologising for?” Levi digs his nails into the flesh of his arm. “Just tell me you’ll be more careful from now on. It’s not your job to fight, the soldiers need you to lead them. There’s only one of you. No half-assed bastard could get them through this.”

But Erwin’s silent at his side, and Levi doesn’t want to turn to see if he’s listening. He crosses his leg over his knee and cranes his neck around anyway. “Tell me, Erwin. Tell me you’ll be more careful.”

Levi knows he won’t get the answer he wants when he sees the way Erwin looks at him. It’s distant. It’s regret. A stone drops in Levi’s stomach.

“I’ll lead them, but I can’t do that without riding alongside them. I’ll fight with them until the end.” He looks down to where Levi’s knuckles are turning bone-white. “And what of you, Levi? Is it that you need my orders too?”

“You’re orders ... no.” It’s a half-truth, at best. It isn’t Erwin’s orders that he relies upon, but the direction in which he can follow. Perhaps, though, the two aren’t that different if neither are present. “You’re more valuable to us alive, Erwin. Stay out of battles so that you can help us win them in the future. You’re not an idiot, you know you’ll be throwing your life away.”

“I’m also not incompetent. I can still hold my own out there. Levi, you know how important my goal is to me. You know I have to be there.”

“You’ll never get there if you persist to fight with such an injury.”

“Then I’ll die trying.”

“That isn’t fair on the people who need you!” Levi tears his eyes away, once more eyeing the pale flowers. This time, he notices that many of the petals are already wilting away. 

“Then all I can ask is for you to trust me. You’ve done so for this long, haven’t -“

“ _Please_.” It’s Levi’s last straw. In the corner of his eye, Erwin’s eyes widen. Levi hugs all his limbs in tight until he’s ever so small on the chair. It isn’t recluse enough. He still can’t escape that gaping void.

Warm fingertips brush over Levi’s knuckles and he forces himself to blink the crimson from his vision to look down at them. As Erwin pries open Levi’s crushing grip, he can no longer bear to look at those weathered hands, nor the man beside him. He only closes his eyes, and he relishes the darkness.

Eventually the fingers withdraw to rest on the bedsheets. Levi’s skin has never felt so bare and naked.

“If you get your way,” his voice barely has more presence than a whisper, “what will you do? What are your plans for your freedom?”

“I’ve never thought that far ahead. I can’t.”

“Don’t lie.”

Through squinted lids, Levi sees Erwin turn to look out the window, lips pressed together. “I’m not. You know I’m not, Levi. But if you’re asking for me to consider it now, then I suppose I’d like a quiet life. Some rest, some peace.”

“Peace and quiet huh. Sounds nice. Maybe in another life. Doesn’t sound much like us though, does it?”

Erwin’s gaze softens and his lips tug up at the sides. “No, I guess it doesn’t. But I could do with a rest for a while, I think.”

“Yeah, we could do with a rest.” Levi watches Erwin watch the view outside the window. “We really could.”

Silence settles between them, though this time Levi is at ease. He no longer feels the need to throw up his scant lunch after every glance to Erwin’s empty side. “Say, Erwin, how ‘bout we get a nice quiet place in Maria. When we win. Could be peaceful, you know.”

“Yes, that does sound nice. But only for a little while. Quiet doesn’t sound too much like us.”

•

Levi stands beside his body - where he has belonged for so many years - and a million things well up inside him, emotions left unsaid. But when he looks at Erwin, Levi realises he no longer knows the language of words.

Instead he speaks formally, a soldiers’ parting tribute. “By asking me to join the Scouts, you have given me freedom. I do not regret the years I have spent following you. I - I will carry the torch. I’ll make your sacrifices worth it. I ... thank you.”

Levi thinks Erwin sees through the empty words ; they are easier than tearing out the truth. For the first time in a long while, he lets himself take the easy path. It feels like cheating. Didn’t he owe Erwin more than this?

Erwin stares at him with an intensity one could not imagine from a dying man. But of course, this is his Commander, Erwin Smith. Whether good or bad, he is no ordinary man.

“Please Levi. If nothing else, promise me this. Will you do everything you can? Will you win this war?” He never asks Levi to win for him. None of this is ever for _him_.

But for once, Levi wants to do something _for him_.

He drops to his knees beside Erwin. “Yes. I will.”

Erwin seems to relax then, leaning his head back down to the ground, mouth still straight, but eyes closed.

He can’t just leave him here.

When Erwin realises Levi hasn’t moved, he pulls his hand into a salute. It’s an obvious dismissal. Their final farewell.

He doesn’t want anyone to waste time mourning him. Or perhaps he thinks he doesn’t deserve it.

Levi is angry, then. He does not know a life without Erwin, as a Scout. Without a leading figure, a hand to point the direction. He does not have a person left who doesn’t call him _captain_. He does not have a person to talk with well into the night.

He grabs Erwin’s hand and entwines their fingers, bringing them to his chest in a joined salute.

Erwin’s eyes open once more, and though half closed, they fix Levi’s own in his forever steady gaze. He has stared down titans with that gaze. Levi would rather be facing a titan.

They do not cry. They would never cry.

Levi searches those eyes. He tries to force meaning into his own. He wants Erwin to see what he cannot say.

He sees his meaning reflected back in Erwin’s gaze. He smiles at Levi. Levi holds tighter. Erwin squeezes his palm.

Levi pulls his hand away. Erwin says, “please go.”

He says, “I do not wish to cause you pain.”

As Levi stands to leave, he feels fingers brush his cheek. The caress is so gentle, so feather-light, he would not have noticed the touch unless he were longing for it.

He says, “Maybe ... in another life.”

Levi turns, staring at the remains of their war. “Look around, Erwin. You and I, we are not so lucky.”


End file.
